Diary of a Rocket Soldier
by TeamRocketGirl
Summary: Song fic, rated for language. Jessie's POV on her love for James.


Diary of a Rocket Soldier

by Stephanie Wright

A/N: Song is Losing My Religion by R.E.M. Sorry if this sucks.

_Oh, life is bigger_

_It's bigger than you_

I truly realized life was cruel when Mama said she would be back and funny, I never saw her again. Well, what are you gonna do? Shit happens, right? That's when I knew I was meant for something truly diabolical. No mommy, no daddy, no family, what was a girl to do? Well, you could always try making others as miserable as you.

_And you are not me_

_The lengths that I will go to_

_The distance in your eyes_

_Oh no, I've said too much_

_I set it up_

He doesn't realize, when you joined they injected wickedness into your veins. It made you powerful, cunning, ruthless and most of all, deadly. He must have missed that physical. He must be truly dense to question why I am the way I am. I am a Rocket Soldier. Pure, simple, that was what I was made to be. God grant me the power to be as evil as I can be. They say kill, I say how many?

_That's me in the corner_

_That's me in the spotlight, _

How did I lose it you ask? It was for my aching need to be famous, to be adored, to be in the spotlight. What better way than to join the illustrious Rocket Gang?

"Team Rocket Blast Off at the Speed of Light!"

"Do you solemnly swear to uphold the principals set forth by this organization, forever to Team Rocket you pledge your life, to never speak of what you see, what you do, on the pain of certain death do you break your oath?"

_Losing my religion_

"I swear," I answered, my hand gracing the top of a Team Rocket manual. With those words I sold my soul, with those words I joined a new religion, leaving any speck of what I was before behind, dead and gone, and I never did look back. Well, not really.

_Trying to keep up with you_

_And I don't know if I can do it_

_Oh no, I've said too much_

I race beside my partner, gun packing, oh, it was exhilarating. Trying to be good is too damn hard, being bad is oh so much fun. Fire another couple of shots, bring down another, and another. You stop to empty your stomach onto the payment. I call you weak, but that's because you are. Why would I stay with someone like this? Probably because for some fucked up reason I love you, even with your weakness, maybe more so for that reason.

_I haven't said enough_

_I thought that I heard you laughing_

_I thought that I heard you sing_

_I think I thought I saw you try_

I would hear it, hear your heart breaking every night, reflecting your stupid choices. I just don't get you. I play the devil's soldier, and I couldn't be more happy. Well mostly. Maybe you didn't understand the oath.

_Every whisper_

_Of every waking hour I'm_

_Choosing my confessions_

Several years later, the malevolence in you begins to poison your purpose. To say I regretted who I have become? Maybe, evil people can love too, damned that's what you are when you learn you can love. I rather burn in hell, than love, love brings pain. Mama loved me and where the fuck is she now? Should I tell you what truly hides away in my vile little heart? But for what? That's my excuse, stay cold, keep the sins coming then will I truly go down in history.

_Trying to keep an eye on you_

_Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool_

Can good fall in love with evil? Probably not. I can't say the same for the other way around. Should I tell you, or would that be to cruel?

_Oh no, I've said too much_

_I set it up_

_Consider this_

_Consider this_

_The hint of the century_

_Consider this_

_The slip that brought me_

_To my knees failed_

A confession that brought me to my knees. To find for some fucked up reason you love me too? God, boy, you don't know what your getting into. Crazy must be contagious.

_What if all these fantasies_

_Come flailing around_

_Now I've said too much_

_I thought that I heard you laughing_

_I thought that I heard you sing_

_I think I thought I saw you try_

You smile, take my hands, and tell me you want to spend the rest of your life with me? I'm not scared of anything, but this shit is just plain frightening. Me, you, two kids, and a wise-cracking cat? I don't think so, I was not born to love, we both know damn well that I was created to wreak havoc on this world. The world needs evil people, how would you be able to distinguish the good, if there wasn't any? I may love you, but that doesn't mean your allowed to return the feeling.

_But that was just a dream_

_That was just a dream_

I can't wait to wake up from this nightmare. I may be one fucked up girl, I may have done things that would make the most strongest stomachs turn in revulsion, but letting you end up with me? I guess I'm just not that sadistic. Well, maybe a little. I give you my body, but you can't have my soul. It's sealed in Giovanni's black book. Sorry its already been sold. Your about ten years too late.

_But that was just a dream_

_Try, cry, why try?_

_That was just a dream_

_Just a dream, just a dream_

_Dream_

Loving you, what would that bring? Tears? Just say you truly loved me back, what the hell happens then? I settle down, have babies, go to church, spend the next fifty years repenting my old life?

Fuck that.

I'm a Rocket Soldier, we don't fall in love, its not in the job description. Loving you from a far is good enough for me. If we entrap our souls in love's unbreakable binds, one kiss could poison your good-natured heart. Or worse, heal my bad one. Obliviously not a risk, I'm willing to take. I wasn't meant to love, if I was, I would try for you. But I can't, simply, can't. Losing my evil heart to you, maybe I already have, but that doesn't mean I'm going to cut it out and hand it to you on a silver platter. Sorry, losing it would mean losing my religion.

The End.


End file.
